What is Love Bombing?
A narcissist will often use love bombing to manipulate someone in order to gain control over them in a relationship. But how does love bombing work? It involves an overwhelming amount of affection, attention, and flattery in the beginning of a relationship, which creates an illusion of it being "a match made in Heaven" or a "fate led us to each other" type of situation. This tactic is meant to disarm the victim, making them feel loved and appreciated enough that they ignore any red flags or toxic behaviors that are present. The nurturing and loving environment it creates leads to a feeling of dependency mixed with security and trust, which can be exploited as the relationship continues.
The behaviors associated with love bombing are sometimes complex and obscure, but ultimately recognizable in hindsight. In the beginning, the narcissist may frequently give flattering compliments, unexpected gifts, and attentive communication—sometimes excessively. This kind of attention is like an emotional high for the new partner, and they become somewhat addicted to the feeling that they get from being with the narcissist. However, as the relationship continues, these intense displays of "love" and adoration start becoming inconsistent. Once the partner is emotionally attached, the narcissist begins showing affection less frequently, and the affection becomes a tool to manipulate feelings and gain control.
Knowing the signs of love bombing is necessary, in order to be able to recognize early on that a toxic relationship is forming. Common red flags include persistent pressure for commitment, exaggerated idealization of the partner, and intimacy that escalates quickly. Additionally, narcissists may have possessive or jealous tendencies, especially as the relationship becomes more serious. It is important to pay attention and be aware of these behaviors, because knowing what love bombing looks like and recognizing it when it first starts, will enable you to protect yourself against getting involved in a toxic and potentially dangerous relationship. Undoing the damage caused by a narcissistic relationship is much more difficult than it is to avoid this type of relationship altogether.
LOVE BOMBING
Excessive compliments
Balanced exchanges of kindness and love
Hurried pace in the relationship
Inconsistency in behavior/abrupt shift in attention
Guilt or obligation is used to keep partner in state of compliance
Love grows and forms over time through shared experiences
Unpressured natural affection
Respect for independence and autonomy
Love Bombing Vs. Real Love/Affection
REAL LOVE/AFFECTION
Real-Life Example of Love Bombing in a Romantic Relationship
To help you get a better understanding of what love bombing in a narcissistic relationship looks like, here is a real-life example of love bombing in action:
A woman named Kelly started dating a man she thought was her soulmate. In the beginning, he was sweet and affectionate. He constantly complimented her and acted like he was literally in awe of her. He said things like, "I can't believe that you're actually with me. How did I get so lucky?" and "You're so perfect. What are you doing with me?" He told her that she was the most beautiful woman he had ever been with and that she was way out of his league. He made her feel like she really mattered to him, and she felt like she was living in a fairy tale. Kelly had emotionally invested a lot into the relationship, and she believed that she was with the man who she would be spending the rest of her life with. They had made plans to get married on New Year's Eve, and she felt safe with him because he was just as much into the relationship as she was from the very beginning. However, it all suddenly changed, and Kelly's boyfriend started treating her differently. He began to withdraw. He wasn't as affectionate as he was before, and all the compliments and attention stopped coming. He didn't really engage in conversation with Kelly like he did in the beginning, and he started speaking to her disrespectfully. He seemed to snap at her all the time, and he was always in a bad mood. Kelly didn't understand what was happening, and even though his outbursts had eventually become the norm, and his degrading comments had become more frequent, Kelly was stuck in a state of confusion and still very much in love with the man who he had been in the beginning of their relationship. The overwhelming affection she initially received served as a tool to secure her attachment, only to be replaced by emotional volatility and control.
This example illustrates the roller coaster of emotions that people face in love bombing scenarios. What starts as a feeling of deep emotional connection and constant attention and admiration can quickly turn into confusion and anxiety. It is so important to recognize these signs and realize what they mean, especially in a situation when a relationship feels too good to be true. If you are able to recognize love bombing when you see it, you'll be able to understand that there is something else going on behind all the superficial affection and flattering behaviors, and you'll be able to stop the toxic relationship before it starts. Being able to do this will enable you to pursue healthy relationships and keep yourself from getting caught up in relationships that can potentially damage or destroy you. Undoing the damage caused by a narcissistic relationship is much more difficult than it is to avoid this type of relationship altogether.
Coping Strategies and Moving Forward
Experiencing love bombing can feel like emotional whiplash. When this phase of a narcissistic relationship ends, the devaluing phase begins, and to put it simply: it hurts.
The first step in moving forward is to acknowledge the manipulation that occurred. Recognizing the patterns of love bombing — characterized by intense affection followed by emotional withdrawal — can be empowering. This awareness will help you recognize the difference between genuine love and manipulation, making it easier to set healthy boundaries in future relationships.
Next, establishing boundaries is essential. Identify what behaviors are unacceptable and communicate these boundaries clearly to others. This requires honest self-reflection and an understanding of your own personal needs. It might be helpful to write down these boundaries to remind yourself what you value in a relationship.
Creating a support network of friends and family that you trust can also be helpful. Share your experiences with empathetic listeners who can provide validation and encouragement during your healing process.
Additionally, counseling or therapy with a professional who understands narcissism is often helpful. Mental health professionals can offer insight and guidance on recovering from manipulation and emotional abuse. They can give you tools to rebuild your self-esteem and help you develop healthier relationship patterns. There are also a lot of resources online, like support groups and counselling to provide you with guidance as well as a sense of community with other people who are going through similar experiences.
As you move forward, make self-care a priority, and participate in activities that promote personal growth and healing. Journaling and exploring new hobbies can help you grow personally while healing emotionally. Remember, moving past love bombing is not just about recovery; it is also about rediscovering yourself and building a fulfilling life based on healthy relationships with other people. Healing sometimes takes time, but with the right strategies in place, you can emerge stronger, and more able to protect yourself from manipulation and heartache from toxic relationships in the future.
Books About This Topic
It's Not You
By Ramani Durvasula, PhD
