The Narcissistic Family
Growing up in a narcissistic family is extremely challenging. Having a mom or a dad who is a narcissist can have a seriously negative impact on a child's psychological development. A narcissistic family creates a toxic environment for a child to grow up in, and the effects of it can last a lifetime. Within the narcissistic family, each person plays a role. The lead role belongs to the narcissist, and in order for the narcissist to maintain control and make the dysfunctional family system work for them, he/she will "assign" each family member a specific role according to what the narcissist needs from each person. Each person within the family unit tends to automatically fall into their own role, based on the way the narcissist sees them and how the narcissist treats them. Each role carries a completely different life experience, and they all have different outcomes. The most common roles that almost always exist in a narcissistic family are the narcissist and the enabler, and the children's roles are the golden child, the scapegoat, and the lost child. So, there will be a favorite child, a child who is blamed or picked on more than the other children, and a child who is ignored or kind of forgotten about or overlooked.
It is important to know that these roles can change at different times in life, depending on the narcissist's needs or desires. Sometimes the scapegoat and the golden child hold on to their own roles all the way through childhood, and then during adulthood, their roles might switch -- the scapegoat becomes the golden child, and the golden child becomes the scapegoat. It all depends on what the narcissist needs at the time.
The existence of these roles within the family unit results in a disruption of natural bonding and closeness that should exist between members of a family, especially with siblings. This can cause a lifelong feeling of separateness in a relationship between two people who should share a bond and closeness. This narcissistic family dynamic may result in brothers or sisters growing up together but almost never seeing each other when they become adults. When this happens, it's usually because they weren't able to form a natural bond with each other as a result of being exposed to the manipulation tactics of their narcissistic parent, who usually had siblings working against each other instead of helping each other and working together as a family, which would have naturally developed a lasting bond between them.
THE ENABLER
The child who is the scapegoat in a narcissistic family is basically the narcissist's "target." The scapegoat is the one who is never good enough for the narcissist. No matter what the scapegoat does, the narcissist always points out how it could have been better. The narcissist is more critical of the scapegoat than of the other siblings in the home. There are more expectations on the scapegoat than anyone else, and harsher punishments if those expectations aren't met. For example, the scapegoat is expected to get straight A's on his/her report card, and if there is one B on the report card, the narcissist reacts with anger, disgust, and expressed disappointment. The narcissist will say things to make the scapegoat feel ashamed for the B grade, because "it should have been an A." Anything less than perfect, usually results in harsh criticism and punishment for the scapegoat, but the other siblings are allowed to have imperfections without suffering the wrath of the narcissist. The narcissist sometimes treats the scapegoat like he/she is a burden or liability, which leads to a feeling of unworthiness and guilt. The scapegoat always lives in fear of the narcissist and is always stressed out about what the narcissist will think. Because of the constant fear of disappointing the narcissist, the scapegoat is unable to be his/her authentic self because the narcissist would most likely disapprove. This stress and fear can start as early as the toddler years. As time goes on, by the time the scapegoat reaches adolescence, it is deeply ingrained in the child's psyche that the narcissist should be feared, and failure might result in losing the narcissist's love. This kind of psychological trauma continues well into adulthood, even after leaving the home and starting a new life as an adult. The emotional and psychological scars and deeply embedded fears of disappointing the narcissist or doing something that the narcissist wouldn't approve of, is still very much a reality in the scapegoat's life. The narcissist can maintain control over the scapegoat even after the scapegoat has started a family of their own.
THE NARCISSIST
The narcissist is the central figure who insists on maintaining control over the other people in the family unit. The narcissist uses manipulation tactics to gain power and control in order to ensure that they get the narcissistic supply that they need. The narcissist plays mental and emotional games within the family unit and plays the other family members against each other to get whatever it is that the narcissist needs or wants at the moment. The damage that is caused and the deep, emotional scars that exist as a result of the narcissist's behaviors, can last for a lifetime. The narcissist usually has no remorse for any of the pain or trauma they cause. Most of the time, the narcissist doesn't see anything wrong with the way they behave. They may even seem oblivious to the fact that they caused any damage at all. If someone finally has the courage to tell the narcissist how their behavior and actions have affected them, the narcissist's automatic response will be one of denial, anger, criticism, and possibly even abandonment of the person who shared their perspective and/or opinion. The narcissist will never take the blame for any kind of dysfunction. Calling them out on it or trying to tell the narcissist how he/she made you feel, will probably have a negative outcome, and nothing will be resolved. The narcissist's role within the family unit is almost always one of the parents (or sometimes both parents); very rarely is the narcissist one of the children in the family unit.
SCAPEGOAT
The enabler is the person who supports the narcissist and enables their behavior. The spouse or partner of the narcissist is usually the one in the enabler role. Sometimes the enabler is aware that the narcissist's behavior is toxic, and they may not necessarily cheer the narcissist on or encourage the behavior, but they do nothing to stop it. The enabler may dislike the behavior or disagree with it, but by allowing it to go on, they are enabling it. Sometimes the enabler is fearful or intimidated by the narcissist, so they just try to keep themselves out of the line of fire by going along with whatever the narcissist demands. There are a number of reasons for enabling narcissistic behavior, and the reasons vary from family to family. Although the enabler isn't to blame for a narcissist's bad behavior, they often feel remorse later in life for not having stepped in and stopped the narcissist's manipulative behavior, but it is common to find that the enabler honestly just didn't realize what was happening until years later when they stepped back and looked at the situation in hindsight. Usually when an enabler does realize it, they feel guilty about not having done anything. Enablers can be just as much of a victim as the other people in the family, and healing from it is a long and difficult process for the enabler too.
GOLDEN CHILD
The Golden Child is the narcissist's favorite. The Golden Child is the one who the narcissist always brags about to other people, the one who gets put on a pedestal, and the one who can do no wrong in the narcissist's eyes. The Golden Child gets special treatment and special privileges that his/her siblings don't get. The Narcissist often plays the golden child against the other children or the other parent by "recruiting" him/her to be the "informant, to basically tattle on the other members of the family because the narcissist needs that kind of control. The Golden Child is seen as perfect, and the narcissist believes that the Golden Child isn't capable of doing anything wrong. When the Golden Child does do something wrong, the scapegoat is usually blamed for having provoked it or caused the golden child to mess up. The Narcissist paints a picture in the golden child's mind of a happy, golden childhood, and the golden child grows up believing that their life was normal and happy and can't understand why his/her sibling(s) don't have the same kind of relationship with the narcissistic parent as the golden child does. The golden child often doesn't understand why his/her siblings remember their childhood differently. The golden child tends to be more emotionally attached to the narcissist and may be more clingy toward the narcissist than the other children are. The golden child is seen as the tattletale and has difficulty developing a close relationship or bond with siblings because of the way that the narcissist played the golden child against the other children so much during their childhood.
Let's take a closer look at the most common roles that exist in a narcissistic family unit:
LOST CHILD
The lost child in a narcissistic family suffers from emotional abuse and neglect in a different kind of way than the other children do. The child who becomes the lost child and has had to play that role for their entire childhood tends to be the type of person who tries to blend in and not draw any attention to themselves. They want to avoid any kind of conflict, and sometimes go to great lengths to do so. They often become extremely introverted, and they are likely to become interested in art, or music, or writing because it is a way for them to express themselves without setting off any alarms that might cause the narcissist to turn the focus onto them. They often feel ignored, and as they learn to adapt, eventually the lost child actually starts wanting to be invisible. This becomes a defense mechanism, a way to survive in their toxic family unit. Lost children in a family have a hard time expressing what they want or need, and being assertive is a real challenge for them. As adults, they carry the same mentality with them, and they can be shy or easily overlooked which can cause them to withdraw even deeper into themselves as time goes on.
This is just a tiny glimpse into what life is like in a narcissistic family. Each person within the family unit suffers from psychological and emotional wounds that evolve from different experiences and perspectives, but they all have the same origin: a narcissist. Over time, most of the wounds may heal, but when the wounds are deep enough, they leave behind emotional and psychological scars, some of which never go away completely. If any of these roles seem like a familiar role you might have played during your own childhood, know that you are not alone. And it's never too late to seek help and support. Many people who grew up in narcissistic families don't realize what it actually is that they've been dealing with until later in life, sometimes not until they are in their 40s or 50s. Discovering the truth is the doorway to a new journey -- toward healing and understanding yourself and your life on a deeper level. It's not too late to stop the cycle of abuse. It can be a long and challenging process, but it's well worth the effort to heal and free yourself from the emotional and psychological prison of narcissistic manipulation and abuse. You really do deserve better. Don't forget that.
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