What Does It Mean?
Narcissism Terminology
When we hear the word "narcissist" most people know that it's a word with a negative meaning. People understand that to be labeled a narcissist is not a good thing. No one wants to be called a "narcissist" -- not even an actual narcissist! But few people truly understand what narcissism actually is. Narcissism goes a lot deeper than just liking to look in the mirror or bragging about yourself all the time. People generally think "narcissism" is the same thing as "vanity," and they conflate the two words. But those two words are not the same. Vanity is a part of narcissism, but not all people who are vain are narcissistic. People who are just vain are capable of empathy and kindness toward others without being driven by manipulation and control. And that's where the difference is. Narcissists are vain and self-centered, they have no empathy for other people, and they are obsessed with control and power.
If you're dealing with a narcissist, it is also important to know the meanings of these words:
GRANDIOSE
NARCISSISTIC SUPPLY
Narcissists thrive on attention and admiration. This is their "narcissistic supply." They'll charm you, flatter you, and seduce you, but it's all an act to feed their own ego. The moment you stop giving them admiration in return, or just start easing into normal everyday life after the excitement of the new relationship eases up a little bit, they will start devaluing you. They begin making you feel unworthy of their praise like they gave you in the beginning of the relationship. Many times, this can also happen the first time you disagree with a narcissist. No matter how minor the topic is, any kind of gesture from you that is less than total admiration and agreement will trigger the narcissist, and the devaluing phase begins.
EMPATHY
COVERT
FLYING MONKEYS
TRAUMA BONDING
TRIANGULATION
GASLIGHTING
LOVE BOMBING
Covert narcissists can be the most confusing of all types of narcissists. They appear normal to everyone else. They don't display arrogance or conceit. They are sweet, charming, generous, and kind to everyone except their victim(s). When the victim of this type of narcissist tells someone else about the covert narcissist's behaviors behind closed doors, they often get a response like, "He's such a nice guy. I can't imagine him doing something like that." This leaves the victim feeling alone and discredited. The covert narcissist wears a mask and plays the victim role when needed and because of this, it's difficult to see the early warning signs of narcissism. It's often too late by the time someone realizes that they are dealing with a narcissist, and by then a lot of damage may have already been done.
Empathy is the ability to understand and be aware of other people's thoughts, feelings and perspectives. Narcissists do not have empathy. They simply don't care. If they hurt someone, they don't care. If they make someone's life difficult, they don't care. If someone has a different perspective or a different need, narcissists just don't care. They care only about what they want, what they need, and their own image. They have no remorse for what they do wrong. Most people do have empathy for other people. It's what gives us the ability to interact and communicate with each other. In any kind of relationship with a narcissist, you will find yourself in a constant state of confusion and frustration because no matter what you say or how much you cry or express how you feel, it seems like the narcissist doesn't care. That's because they don't. You will never get a sincere apology from a narcissist because they aren't sorry for what they do.
These are the people who the narcissist uses to do their "dirty work," usually to try to destroy someone else. When a relationship ends, most of the time a narcissist will go around telling people fabricated stories or distorted versions of the story, making the other person look bad and the narcissist looks like the hurt, betrayed, innocent victim. In a family setting, the narcissist may get mad at someone, so they start gossiping about the person to everyone else in the family to try to isolate and evict the victim from the group. When a narcissist recruits flying monkeys, it can be devastating for the victim because the narcissist strategically picks the people closest to the victim, and if those people fall for the lies and manipulation of the narcissist, it can destroy relationships and cause serious problems for years to come. The narcissist's goal is to make the other person look bad, while he/she looks like the innocent victim who got hurt and betrayed, in hopes of finding new narcissistic supply to replace the supply that just ran out.
This usually happens in the beginning. It can be at the beginning of a brand-new relationship or it can happen in an already established relationship (like in a family situation or at work with a co-worker) when a narcissist begins trying to get narcissistic supply from someone. Love bombing happens when things are still exciting and new (a new relationship, a new friend, a new co-worker, or a new target in the family). Love bombing involves showering the victim with compliments, gifts, promises, and extreme expressions of love or admiration for a person. This is done to get the victim to fall in love or get emotionally attached to the narcissist so they can start their game of manipulation and control. In romantic relationships, the narcissist will say things like, "I've never felt this way before," or "You're the love of my life," or "You are so perfect. How did I get so lucky?" -- all to make their new partner become attached to them and create an intense bond quickly. But this isn't love. It isn't real. It's manipulation, and once you fall for it, the narcissist has the power, and the games begin. For a more in-depth look, read this article: "What is Love Bombing?"
Gaslighting is one of the narcissist's favorite tactics. They'll say things like, "You're overreacting," or "I don't know what you're talking about," to make you doubt reality. When you're constantly questioning your own mind, they maintain control. It's a deliberate way to destabilize you. Gaslighting is psychological manipulation to the extreme. It makes a person doubt their own memory, perception, and judgment, and they start to question themselves about whether something really happened the way that they remember it happening. A narcissist might say something like, "I never said that," even though you know that they did say it. Another phrase that narcissists commonly say is, "That never happened," or "That's not the way it happened." Gaslighting can be done by using denial, contradictions, misinformation, and lies. Most of the time, gaslighting makes the victim's belief system unstable and may eventually delegitimize their beliefs altogether.
This type of narcissist has an over-inflated perception of himself/herself, believing that he/she is more important or more powerful, smarter, or more attractive than everyone else. They see themselves in a different category, a higher level. Grandiose behaviors are about domination and control over someone else.
Triangulation is basically when the narcissist gets a third person involved to unwittingly "gang up on" the victim. This can be done in a few different ways. Basically, it involves comparing you to someone else in order to get you to do what they want or to keep control over you. An example of triangulation would be when a narcissistic father says something like this to his daughter: "Your cousin, Mary, is a naturally smart girl. If you really put your mind to it and work hard, you could be as smart as Mary is." Or in a romantic relationship, a classic example of triangulation is when the narcissist compares you to his/her ex to make you feel inferior to the ex if you don't do certain things that the ex supposedly used to do.
Trauma bonding is a state of emotional attachment to someone, but this kind of emotional attachment is a negative form of bonding. It's different than the closeness you feel with a best friend or a son or daughter or a favorite relative. This is a bond that is mentally and emotionally unhealthy. If you've ever felt "addicted" to someone, or if you've ever had a relationship where you kept going back to your ex over and over again even though it always ended the same way every time, that's a trauma bond. Trauma bonding is somewhat complicated to explain, but the simple version is this: it is the bio-chemical bond that happens during a traumatic experience that two people go through together. Trauma bonding involves adrenaline, oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, and cortisol which are produced within the human body, and they all are what keeps the victim connected to their abuser.
TRICKLE TRUTHS
The narcissist adamantly insists that he/she is being honest with you, but is actually continuing to lie and behave in dishonest, disrespectful, and inappropriate ways behind your back. The narcissist will purposely withhold incriminating information and tells you only half of the story or a distorted version that omits his own wrongdoings. Usually the victim begins to feel like things just don't seem to add up, and their gut instinct tells them that there's something missing. When the victim starts to put the pieces of the puzzle together, the narcissist will claim to remember it differently or just lie and make up a whole new story. Gradually, the victim keeps uncovering more and more missing pieces or sometimes finds that the narcissist just simply lied.
HOOVERING
This is when the narcissist tries to pull you back into the relationship. It happens after a big fight or most often, when you have made the decision to leave the relationship. Hoovering tactics can include things like empty apologies and promises to change certain behaviors, suddenly giving you gifts or extra attention like in the beginning of the relationship. Sometimes it can be in the form of makeup sex which resembles the sex you had in the beginning of the relationship, or it could be sex where the narcissist is "finally" focused on pleasing you. Hoovering is just another manipulative tactic that the narcissist uses to lure you back into the relationship, and all of these "new behaviors" are only temporary because he/she needs you for the narcissistic supply that you took away from them when you left. Hoovering usually happens after a period of no contact. It doesn't normally happen right away after the breakup. After a period of time has gone by, and you have started to adjust to life away from the narcissist and the toxic relationship, and you're feeling stronger, you suddenly get a text message or an email or even a phone call, talking to you as if nothing happened. Sometimes they will use a "special occasion" as an excuse for calling you. It cannot be stressed enough -- DO NOT RESPOND to a hoover attempt. DO NOT ENGAGE in any conversation with the narcissist. It doesn't matter how strong you are feeling at that moment. Nine times out of ten, it WILL rekindle that old spark between the two of you, and the cycle of abuse will continue. For a more in-depth look, read this article: "What is Hoovering?"
SMEAR CAMPAIGN
One of the most hurtful things that a narcissist does is the "smear campaign." They can be devastating and humiliating. ALL narcissists do this EVERY TIME someone hurts their fragile ego. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is -- family, romantic partner, co-worker -- anybody who the narcissist feels wronged by, will be the target of a smear campaign. The narcissist will make up horrible, ugly, lies about you, they will post it all over social media painting a picture of you as the villain, and the narcissist will always always always be the victim who did nothing wrong. The narcissist won't stop at social media posts for the whole world to see; they will also try to sell their victim story to people who are close to you. They want as many people to see them as the poor innocent victim and you as a horrible person who did such horrible things to the narcissist. They usually start the smear campaign right after a fight or a breakup so that they can "get to them first" in hopes that people will believe the first story they hear. Smear campaigns are cold-hearted, calculated, and intentionally cruel. It goes beyond just normal everyday gossip -- smear campaigns hurt A LOT and can possibly destroy your life.
NARCISSISTIC RAGE
Narcissistic rage is scary because it's very volatile. Sometimes the smallest, meaningless thing will trigger a narcissist, and they can flip out to the point of uncontrollable rage. This happens to varying degrees of course -- some just scream and yell, some punch walls and break objects, and some become physically violent toward the person who they perceive to be the cause of their outburst. A lot of the time, it is just a PERCEIVED threat that causes their episode of narcissistic rage. If they perceive a threat to their ego, their self-worth, or their image, they will throw an adult temper tantrum of some kind, and it can get really ugly. But if they get called out on something that they did, the rage intensifies, and it takes the conflict to a whole new level.
PROJECTION
Projection is the narcissistic version of the blame game. With a narcissist, the way the game is played goes like this: whatever they accuse you of doing, most of the time, it's the very thing that they are doing. Whatever label they give you, is a reflection of what they don't like about themselves. A narcissist can't handle acknowledging their own flaws, weaknesses, or wrong doings. It's too uncomfortable for them to admit that there is something about them that isn't perfect, and if they do something wrong, even though they know they did something wrong, they won't admit it or apologize for it. They would rather protect their self-proclaimed image of perfection at all costs, even if it means losing something or someone important to them. The narcissist will instead, project their error or flaw onto another person because if it's the other person who is flawed and "bad," losing that person isn't that much of a loss in the narcissist's mind. For example, if a narcissist tells his girlfriend to "Get the hell out," during one of his narcissistic rage episodes, and then she actually leaves him because he told her to get out, the narcissist will go on and on about how "you left me, just like all the rest of them. If you wanted to be here, you would be here. But you left me, so blame yourself." He will never acknowledge that it was the disrespectful way he spoke to her and then actually telling her to leave, that caused her to leave. The narcissist wants to make it seem like she just up and left for no reason, and he is the heartbroken victim. Narcissists will also accuse their partner of cheating when they are the one who was cheating or behaving inappropriately with another person while in a relationship.
OVERT
Overt narcissists are the obvious ones. They boast and brag about how great they are, or about how much money they make, or about how smart they are. They openly show their narcissism, and they publicly demand attention and special treatment from everyone around them. They don't even try to hide their arrogance. They will run right over whoever is in their way in order to get what they want.
MALIGNANT
Malignant narcissists are the unhinged, dangerous type. They are unpredictable, and this type of narcissist is the one who would be capable of actually killing their partner or friend or family member in an episode of narcissistic rage. The malignant narcissist is the one who would take the temper tantrum one step further if pushed to that point. Since narcissists have no empathy for other people, the malignant narcissist has no empathy, nor does he/she value human life.
MIRRORING
Mirroring is basically copying. A narcissist will sometimes study someone, like a potential partner, and then start mirroring, or acting like, that person. They claim that blue is also their favorite color, they are fascinated by waterfalls too, and they even use the same slang phrases in their everyday speech. And when the narcissist is trying to get their new source of narcissistic supply hooked on them and emotionally bonded to them, mirroring makes it pretty easy to do that, because the other person is so amazed at all the similarities they share, and it's seen as just one more sign that the two of them finding each other was meant to be.
BREADCRUMBING
Bread-Crumbing refers to the manipulation tactic that narcissists use to keep you in the relationship. They give you just enough love, attention, kindness, respect, etc. so that you still have hope that maybe things will get better. The narcissist may sense that you are almost at the breaking point, and they may be able to tell that you're just about ready to leave them, so they throw you some breadcrumbs. This means that the narcissist might do something like help you clean up after dinner without being asked, or they start acting unusually sweet when you get home from work. They might seem really attentive when you're talking about something that happened at work that day. Whatever it is, it's usually enough to make you soften up a little bit and start to think that maybe the narcissist is going to be different from now on. Breadcrumbing is a way of giving you false hopes, because the narcissist didn't change, and the peaceful, happy time is only temporary. The narcissistic behaviors will return as soon as the narcissist is sure that you aren't going anywhere.
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