What is Hoovering?
Narcissists are known for the manipulative way that they interact with other people, and it's their manipulation tactics that cause so much damage in the lives of those who find themselves in relationships with someone who is a narcissist. It's sometimes difficult to recognize narcissistic behavior when you experience it in a relationship with someone you love because while your behavior and actions are coming from a place that is genuine and real, a narcissist is coming from a different place entirely. A narcissist's motives are self-centered and they use a variety of manipulation tactics and deceit to get what they want from people.
One of those tactics is something called HOOVERING. This is sort of a reference to the well known vacuum cleaner brand, Hoover. Just like a Hoover vacuum cleaner sucks things in, a narcissist will also try to suck you back into the relationship after you leave them, or sometimes even when its the narcissist who discarded YOU. Hoovering is one of the most commonly used tactics that a narcissist will use to try to get you back into the relationship with them, especially if they aren't able to find another source of narcissistic supply to replace you. Some time will go by after the break up, there will be a period of no contact, and then one day out of the blue, you'll get a text message or a phone call. and it will be the narcissist trying to start up a conversation with you, as if nothing happened. They might use a special occasion or anniversary as an excuse to contact you, saying that they were "just thinking of you and wanted to say hi." They might make up a story about being at a certain place where you used to like to go, and being there made them think of you so they wanted to call and say hi and let you know that they really miss you. Sometimes a narcissist will even give you a fake apology for the way they behaved in the relationship and beg you to "come home where you belong" because they've "been miserable without you." Sometimes a narcissist will just show up somewhere where they know you'll be, hoping that seeing them will make you want to get back together. However the narcissist chooses to employ the Hoovering tactic, you need to know that it's just another part of their game, and it's being done because the narcissist is trying to get what narcissists are always trying to get: narcissistic supply. Most likely, you were the last person that they were able to get it from, so basically they're just going back for more. They are hoping that you'll fall for their charm and manipulation like you did before, and when you do, their problem will be solved, and the whole cycle of abuse will continue once again. Hoovering almost always happens AFTER a period of silence or absence, usually after a break up. If this kind of behavior happens while you're still in the relationship, its just simply another way of gaslighting you. Its the ending of a relationship, with both people understanding that the relationship is over and then the narcissist trying to spark it back up again, that makes it this thing called "hoovering" (because you're OUT OF the relationship and they're trying to suck you back in).
Hoovering typically follows a predictable cycle that begins with the narcissist withdrawing or discarding their victim, but it does sometimes happen even when its the narcissist who gets discarded. During the period of time immediately following the break up, you'll feel hurt, devastated, and even confused about what happened. You'll probably still have feelings for the narcissist and unresolved questions about why the narcissist treated you so horribly. During this period of time, you'll probably be feeling weak and vulnerable as you try to make sense of everything that happened. The narcissist uses this time to create a sense of longing and vulnerability in their victim, setting the stage for the hoovering phase.
When the narcissist is ready to hoover, they may use a variety of tactics to draw the you back in. Common strategies include more love bombing, where the narcissist starts coming around again, showers you with affection and attention like in the beginning of the relationship, making those old feelings spark back up, and making you feel desired and valued instead of abandoned and lonely like you had recently been feeling. Gaslighting is another part of the hoovering phase. The narcissist will try to distort reality or make light of certain events, acting like it wasn't as bad as you're making it out to be, to try to confuse and manipulate you into forgetting about what actually happened. By playing on your emotions and insecurities, the narcissist seeks to regain control and power over you and in the relationship.
Hoovering can have a profound and lasting impact on the victims of narcissistic abuse. The constant cycle of back and forth can create confusion, anxiety, and a sense of powerlessness in the victim. Many victims find themselves trapped in a toxic loop, unable to break free from the hold that the narcissist has on them, emotionally and mentally. Hoovering can retraumatize victims who have already experienced narcissistic abuse. The sudden reappearance of the abuser can trigger intense emotional responses and interfere with the victim's healing process. Victims may experience feelings of guilt, shame, and self-doubt as they attempt to make sense of and heal from the damage caused by a toxic narcissistic relationship.
If you have experienced hoovering by a narcissist, it is important that you make your own well-being a priority and establish healthy boundaries. But first, you need to be able to recognize these manipulative tactics if you're ever going to be able to break free from this cycle of abuse. After you recognize that you are being hoovered, talk to someone -- a friend you trust or family members -- someone who will be there for you and remind you that you deserve better. A therapist can provide validation and guidance as you work through the complexities of moving on from a relationship with a narcissist. Practicing self-care and self-compassion will help rebuild your sense of self-worth. Setting clear boundaries and maintaining a safe distance from the narcissist can help protect you from further harm and hopefully keep you from getting into toxic relationships in the future. You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, love and compassion. You do deserve better. Always remember that.
Here is a real-life example of hoovering. In this video, you'll hear a phone conversation with a narcissist as he tries to get me to "come back home" 20 days after he told me to "get the f*ck out" and after he posted videos on TikTok of him burning my things. Because I didn't fall for it, because I didn't do what he wanted me to do and go back to Georgia, all the love that he claimed he felt for me suddenly turned to cruelty, insulting messages, and more hateful behavior toward me. But this is what hoovering looks like, and none of this is genuine. It's just a narcissist who is trying to get what he wants by pretending to love me so much because he thinks that will make me go back to him. I didn't go back. I made this video instead.